do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
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This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Flowers bee like
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I saw this ending much differently.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?