Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]