My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Mornin
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Word!