hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
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Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…