ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
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50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.