I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.