WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Before & after 😅
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Accurate
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who