Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
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My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.