Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I love art.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
This is Sparta
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.