massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.