Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
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Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*