If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
You Might Also Like
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
this is how life feels
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The internet is magic sometimes.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart