Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
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Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’m crying im so happy for them
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.