Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
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This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?