I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.