(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
💁🏻♂️
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime