*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it