Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
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Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Anyone really
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.