*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.