Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Saturday
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved