Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
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So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.