Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
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Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.