I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
You Might Also Like
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
How to draw a duck
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.