You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy