I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
This bar smells like my childhood.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.