*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
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Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.