16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
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Your honor these allegations are
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My flabber has been gasted.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select