Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
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my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?