Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
“i am a sweet baby”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
“I wouldn’t.”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.