Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Not😆🤣
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Saw your ex at the shops
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?