DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.