I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
🤣dope
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.