I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
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If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I’m giving up ice.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
worst…sale…ever
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on