Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
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squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.