YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
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professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
The Assassin.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
We need more people like this.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*