Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Pat is about to own someone
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
paddle faster i hear baby shark