My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol