Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?