Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
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Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.