Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My blood type is coffee.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of