Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait!

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time