Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
This kid will have a bright future.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.