There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
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Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”