“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
You Might Also Like
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy