[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
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me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Shower sex be like:
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Everything reminds me of my ex
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.