On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
two people or more is called a problem
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize