I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I falcon love using swear birds
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.