According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
You Might Also Like
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
They’re on their honeymoon
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display