Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
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Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting