Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
You Might Also Like
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.